Thanks, I really appreciate this discussion and your information about Dr. Reuben. An earlier contributor to this discussion was saying that a day's abstinence and several urinations would flush all the sperm out of the system. It might help, but there's still going to be a considerable risk. The thing is, what actually is that risk? 0.0000001% chance, or maybe 10%? We’re all just guessing and then forming opinions. To actually know the risk we’d need a well-designed study. Like say a researcher investigates 1000 men who all urinated at least 1L within 10hr post ejaculation, precum was analyzed for sperm content and we get a percentage of how many men’s precum had viable sperm. But unless a study like that happens we just have to presume a nonzero risk is present, therefore we error on the side of caution. But really this is an action based on the unknown, not the known.
M28 here with many many friends. The most male friends won’t ever talk about their sexlife as in their opinion it’s a private thing between them and their partners.
Others already gave great advice, so I'll comment on the “why?” piece. For me, it's because I experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous. And if I haven't been “warmed up” then I find it absolutely repulsive and I feel like I'm an object to them. This leads to an overall decrease in drive and desire, and eventually resentment when they don't get the picture. Physical touch and intimacy isn't just sexual, and I require some level of intimacy in order to be sexual. Not sure if it's the same for you or not.
It sounds like you have boundaries and you're not sure how to set them here. Maybe you're willing to give up porn, but not masturbating at all as a 19 year old male? That just sounds awful. She seems to have hangups about what “cheating” is (I'm guessing she's trying to get a semblance of control over sex since she was traumatized? That's all armchair psychology BS though) It's better to be honest with her now and have her understand where your boundaries are then to go along with this and have her feel that what she's requesting is reasonable. It may cause a big fight, but 1 week of uncomfortableness is better than living the rest of your life with these unreasonable rules
I actually have the same issue. It can be so stressful, especially after the deed, cleaning up and such. I am always hiding and it makes me so sad, because I know he knows how I look like. And he likes the way I look like, obviously. Unfortunately I don't have any good advices, but you are not alone.
Listen, did you ever subscribe to some belief system when you were an inexperienced kid, that you no longer subscribe to now, now that you have experience in the world? Or perhaps judge something, before you were well versed in it? We all have. When I was a kid, I thought masturbating was gross and inappropriate, because nobody ever talked to me about it. I also thought beer and wine were gross, marijuana was something bad people used to get you into other drugs, and butts were exclusively for pooping. Now? I enjoy ALL these things, but I didn't actually enjoy any of them the first time I tried them. So, no, I don't think it's an inherent incompatibility. I think it's inexperience and a need for further communication. If this were a different post, like “we've been married 5 years and my husband only wants to have sex once or twice a year.” Then I'd consider trauma or incompatibility. But right now…they've only just lost their virginities. Sex is still new. Can be intimidating. The flood gates aren't necessarily open yet. Sometimes it take baby steps.
I looked her up again just now. While her PhD dissertation shows that she did “do science”, I don't see that she's done any since, and is better known as an educator and science communicator. My theses both got published in mid-tier journals, and I have a few co-author credits from my time in research labs, but I'd certainly never call myself a scientist now. I did just enough to be able to read, think about, and discuss science that I read now. I contribute in other ways. Likewise, her notable contributions are in interpreting and communicating other people's findings–not for findings she generated on her own.
That child is watching too much porn and doesn't sound like he has much experience himself. What's even worse is him making you feel insecure about it. Holding your head down and making you gag is something you didn't consent to and it's absolutely horrible to do to someone on a whim. Plenty of girls hate it and plenty of guys know not to try that. It's nothing to do with you being “good” or “bad” at giving head. The issue is him. Upgrade to a better boyfriend.
Yes, it’s sad and frustrating and hurtful. I had a previous partner exactly like that. I tried to communicate it, but no change. So once when we had sex I stopped before he was done and went to bathroom. He was like what? And I said that’s exactly how I feel everytime. Do you like it? Because it is going to like this from now on. He didn’t like it at all. I told him that after the talk we had previously he didn’t change anything and it’s not fair to me that I should feel unsatisfied. So I expect him to be active either before intercourse and bring me to the orgasm or after but I will not do it for him if it is not reciprocated. Or it’s time to go different ways because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. He tried for a while and it got better. But then he cheated on me (I assume that she didn’t make him work for it ðŸ¤), so it was not such a blow especially knowing that she didn’t win any special prize with him. Once I found my next partner I wondered how could I be so blind and settled for bad to mediocre sex before. There are men who are willing to go above and beyond for you.
I did this recently via a ‘personals’ subreddit. I agree with another comment about the huge number of posts by men means that finding a hookup (as a hetero woman) is easier (on numbers alone). It’s worth making sure it’s safe and I met them in a public place first before moving forwards
Looking at a lot of porn?
Thanks, I really appreciate this discussion and your information about Dr. Reuben. An earlier contributor to this discussion was saying that a day's abstinence and several urinations would flush all the sperm out of the system. It might help, but there's still going to be a considerable risk. The thing is, what actually is that risk? 0.0000001% chance, or maybe 10%? We’re all just guessing and then forming opinions. To actually know the risk we’d need a well-designed study. Like say a researcher investigates 1000 men who all urinated at least 1L within 10hr post ejaculation, precum was analyzed for sperm content and we get a percentage of how many men’s precum had viable sperm. But unless a study like that happens we just have to presume a nonzero risk is present, therefore we error on the side of caution. But really this is an action based on the unknown, not the known.
M28 here with many many friends. The most male friends won’t ever talk about their sexlife as in their opinion it’s a private thing between them and their partners.
Others already gave great advice, so I'll comment on the “why?” piece. For me, it's because I experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous. And if I haven't been “warmed up” then I find it absolutely repulsive and I feel like I'm an object to them. This leads to an overall decrease in drive and desire, and eventually resentment when they don't get the picture. Physical touch and intimacy isn't just sexual, and I require some level of intimacy in order to be sexual. Not sure if it's the same for you or not.
I disagree with your last point
Quit school, or girls.
It sounds like you have boundaries and you're not sure how to set them here. Maybe you're willing to give up porn, but not masturbating at all as a 19 year old male? That just sounds awful. She seems to have hangups about what “cheating” is (I'm guessing she's trying to get a semblance of control over sex since she was traumatized? That's all armchair psychology BS though) It's better to be honest with her now and have her understand where your boundaries are then to go along with this and have her feel that what she's requesting is reasonable. It may cause a big fight, but 1 week of uncomfortableness is better than living the rest of your life with these unreasonable rules
I actually have the same issue. It can be so stressful, especially after the deed, cleaning up and such. I am always hiding and it makes me so sad, because I know he knows how I look like. And he likes the way I look like, obviously. Unfortunately I don't have any good advices, but you are not alone.
Goto the bathroom and take the leggings off When use ur mouth to suck the cum off the leggings. Boom done. Problem = solved
Listen, did you ever subscribe to some belief system when you were an inexperienced kid, that you no longer subscribe to now, now that you have experience in the world? Or perhaps judge something, before you were well versed in it? We all have. When I was a kid, I thought masturbating was gross and inappropriate, because nobody ever talked to me about it. I also thought beer and wine were gross, marijuana was something bad people used to get you into other drugs, and butts were exclusively for pooping. Now? I enjoy ALL these things, but I didn't actually enjoy any of them the first time I tried them. So, no, I don't think it's an inherent incompatibility. I think it's inexperience and a need for further communication. If this were a different post, like “we've been married 5 years and my husband only wants to have sex once or twice a year.” Then I'd consider trauma or incompatibility. But right now…they've only just lost their virginities. Sex is still new. Can be intimidating. The flood gates aren't necessarily open yet. Sometimes it take baby steps.
Absolutely agreed. That’s why I posted this.
I looked her up again just now. While her PhD dissertation shows that she did “do science”, I don't see that she's done any since, and is better known as an educator and science communicator. My theses both got published in mid-tier journals, and I have a few co-author credits from my time in research labs, but I'd certainly never call myself a scientist now. I did just enough to be able to read, think about, and discuss science that I read now. I contribute in other ways. Likewise, her notable contributions are in interpreting and communicating other people's findings–not for findings she generated on her own.
That child is watching too much porn and doesn't sound like he has much experience himself. What's even worse is him making you feel insecure about it. Holding your head down and making you gag is something you didn't consent to and it's absolutely horrible to do to someone on a whim. Plenty of girls hate it and plenty of guys know not to try that. It's nothing to do with you being “good” or “bad” at giving head. The issue is him. Upgrade to a better boyfriend.
Try searching Kenneth Play on Pornhub and watch some instructional videos together!
Buy the condoms yourself
No. Why would I want him to worry about that? It would make it much harder for him to preform…
Yes, it’s sad and frustrating and hurtful. I had a previous partner exactly like that. I tried to communicate it, but no change. So once when we had sex I stopped before he was done and went to bathroom. He was like what? And I said that’s exactly how I feel everytime. Do you like it? Because it is going to like this from now on. He didn’t like it at all. I told him that after the talk we had previously he didn’t change anything and it’s not fair to me that I should feel unsatisfied. So I expect him to be active either before intercourse and bring me to the orgasm or after but I will not do it for him if it is not reciprocated. Or it’s time to go different ways because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. He tried for a while and it got better. But then he cheated on me (I assume that she didn’t make him work for it ðŸ¤), so it was not such a blow especially knowing that she didn’t win any special prize with him. Once I found my next partner I wondered how could I be so blind and settled for bad to mediocre sex before. There are men who are willing to go above and beyond for you.
I did this recently via a ‘personals’ subreddit. I agree with another comment about the huge number of posts by men means that finding a hookup (as a hetero woman) is easier (on numbers alone). It’s worth making sure it’s safe and I met them in a public place first before moving forwards